Lucy Collett
I found myself The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They’ve overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they’re not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the Judgment Pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person’s life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.

I found myself

The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They’ve overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they’re not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the Judgment Pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person’s life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.

I have more self hatred then you could even begin to imagine possible.
holdentumblr: “I have been feeding pigeons, thousands of them, for years. But there was one pigeon, a beautiful bird, pure white with light grey tips on its wings; that one was different. It was a female. I would know that pigeon anywhere. No matter where I was that pigeon would find me, when I wanted her I had only to wish and call her and she would come flying to me. She understood me and I understood her. I loved that pigeon. Yes, I loved her as a man loves a woman, and she loved me. When she was ill I knew, and understood; she came to my room and I stayed beside her for days. I nursed her back to health. That pigeon was the joy of my life. If she needed me, nothing else mattered. As long as I had her, there was a purpose in my life. Then one night as I was lying in my bed in the dark, solving problems, as usual, she flew in through the open window and stood on my desk. I knew she wanted me; she wanted to tell me something important so I got up and went to her. As I looked at her I knew she wanted to tell me- she was dying. And then, as I got her message, there came a light from her eyes- powerful beams of light…Yes, it was a real light, a powerful, dazzling, blinding light, a light more intense than I had ever produced by the most powerful lamps in my laboratory. When that pigeon died, something went out of my life. Up to that time I knew with a certainty that I would complete my work, no matter how ambitious my program, but when that something went out of my life I knew my life’s work was finished.” - Nikola Tesla
“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
Today Today I saw my brother for the first time in over three years… Its difficult to comprehend everything that has changed in those few years, it feels like life took the steering wheel and I’m just holding on for the ride. I think that’s the most accurate description of my life, at times you stop, go, veer off course, re-correct, smash the peddle, or slow down. But there’s always something you’re not expecting up ahead, and you’re never sure of what it is until you’re right beside it or well passed it.

Today

Today I saw my brother for the first time in over three years…

Its difficult to comprehend everything that has changed in those few years, it feels like life took the steering wheel and I’m just holding on for the ride. I think that’s the most accurate description of my life, at times you stop, go, veer off course, re-correct, smash the peddle, or slow down. But there’s always something you’re not expecting up ahead, and you’re never sure of what it is until you’re right beside it or well passed it.

Just a thought Perhaps we were never meant to live in a society where a dream is imposed on us by a government that thrives off of the economic circle that we contribute to. Maybe we were supposed to all live independently of one another, each of us - pursing our own dreams and ambitions without the influence of the media and socially driven goals that firstly benefit the economy and society; instead of the desires of the individual.

Just a thought

Perhaps we were never meant to live in a society where a dream is imposed on us by a government that thrives off of the economic circle that we contribute to. Maybe we were supposed to all live independently of one another, each of us - pursing our own dreams and ambitions without the influence of the media and socially driven goals that firstly benefit the economy and society; instead of the desires of the individual.

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